Early morning runs were not the hop-out-of-bed and go through the motions to get in 8-12 miles before work. I did track workouts, tempos, hills, and the long run. At times painful training. Anxiety the night before in anticipation of the splits I needed to hit. Yet after the workout was over, the confidence in my ability to complete Peacock and break the dreaded 3:20 barrier at Honolulu seemed possible.
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| Hibiscus Half. |
My coach told me to BELIEVE. I still have the sticky note on my computer monitor as my daily reminder to BELIEVE my body is capable. I wrote BELIEVE with a sharpie next to my Garmin when I ran my last half as I wanted to hit 1:31. I nailed my splits and won overall female that day. Ok, the fast girls must have slept in, but I still believed.
My life for months, actually since January of 2012, consisted of work. The kids. And training. Life was pretty much perfect.
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| Perfect Life. |
Until Sunday, September 22nd, 11 miles into a 20 mile trail training run at Peacock. I'm a road runner. Have blogged about it. Not super comfortable where there are roots and rocks. Steve was encouraging me on the trails so I wasn't such a wuss. During that run, he told me I was doing great, going faster downhill where there were rocks (SCARY!), and I was feeling more confident that I would leave the 50k in my own car, verses an ambulance. That's a little dramatic, I wasn't worried about an ambulance. Yet I was worried I was going to suck. I'm too competitive to suck.
The ankle rolled. It hurt but not bad enough to take the short cut back to the car, as I wanted to get the mileage in. A couple miles later, it really hurt. The entire way down Long Road I was miserable. If someone had offered to pack me on a bike, I would have gladly accepted a ride. I'm not really into quitting before set mileage is done. I wanted to quit.
Yet I was sure after a few days of rest, I would be ready to hit the road again. Boot for a week. Ice. Motrin. Clear xray. No running. Aqua jogging started at week 4 of being down as I needed an outlet and felt my muscles turning to mush. Still pain. MRI at 6 weeks down. Bursitis in my foot. More Motrin and Icing with instructions to call the doctor a week later. 7 weeks down and no improvement so doc wants me to see an orthopedic surgeon to see why I'm not getting better.
On Saturday I decided that I had missed my ultra so I wouldn't set myself back. Had not run for 7 weeks. And Aqua Jogging doesn't give me the endorphins I'm used to. So I hiked Tantalus with Steve and it was exhilarating to get dirty. See amazing views and snag a 2lb avocado. I wanted more so ran yesterday and today. Today my foot hurts more than it has the last few weeks. Oopsie.
Yet during today's run, I realized just how brave I want to be, but how deeply I'm hurting inside.
I have tried to be brave. I showed up at the starting line at the Peacock 50k and 100k. I helped check people in and my heart ached as I wanted to be in race mode. I questioned if I really would set myself back, and should have just ran the race. All the while smiling and encouraging my husband to race smart so he would finish his first 100k.
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| Before the start of Peacock. |
Instead of going home and crawling in bed and bawling that I was injured, I helped set up the aid station at Long Road. Brought my cow bell and cheered for the racers coming through. Supportive Malia. If you can't race, than support those that can.
That day ended. Steve did amazing. I am still so proud of how he listened to his body during the race and finished strong. Yet deep down, I wondered how I would have done. Would I have listened to my body? Would I have sucked?
There are races leading up to Honolulu. Steve and I cheered for those racing the 30k. The half this coming Sunday was on my race schedule. I noticed today it's still on my Training Plan. Obviously, I'm not doing it.
I didn't have any idea the impact of becoming injured and my running coming to a halt would have on me. My work. My dreams. Gone. Yes, I'm trying to look at the big picture. At least that's what I tell myself. Focus on Boston. You'll be better by then and can PR there. "In the big picture of life, these are only a few months!". My son told me today that "Honolulu is there every year". He's right. It is there every year. But I didn't get up at o-dark thirty for months on end to race it next year.
I'm sad. And I'll continue to nod my head up and down when people tell me to look at the big picture. Yet I wonder, have their dreams been shattered by a training injury? Because if not, they shouldn't say thing. Just give me a beer.
